Psychological theories suggest that attachment is an innate survival mechanism. Attachment styles depend on our life experiences, culture and are dynamic rather than fixed. We as humans are bound to relate with each other and our relationships are based on attachment.
Is attachment merely a survival mechanism? Can attachment serve as a strong foundation for relationships?
We are anxious beings with an inner hollow, a vacuum which makes us restless. The entire purpose of our life revolves around filling this inner hollow, be it via material things or fellow sentient beings. But how does the object of attachment help us fill our inner void? The object to which we get attached is taken to be a medium to fulfill our desires. These desires are not even our own but are borrowed via conditioning. The desire for fame and money is accompanied by consumption. We think our restlessness will come to an end by consuming, but this never happens.
For example: We order food from a restaurant which generally takes 30 minutes to deliver. In this time frame, our mind makes a lot of movement, in hope that the movement will cease after consuming and will enter in state of joy. This 30-minute period is “assumed happiness”. When we consume, movement of our mind stops. This state diappears after consumption is finished. The state of joy acquired from consumption was temporary and ephemeral.
Such episodes happen in every moment, still we fail to understand the futility of our attachment. The expectations accompanied by attachment causes suffering. Then how to cure attachment? By detachment. But the concept of detachment is often misplaced, the moment we hear about it. We think detachment implies passivity towards forming relationships and takes it as a mere reaction to attachment. Such understanding of detachment makes us vulnerable to getting attached to something again, which cannot even be acknowledged due to happiness associated with the false pride of renunciation. Such understanding of detachment is self-deception.
Then what does detachment really mean?
It is widely accepted that attachment means love. In reality, it is irreconcilable with love. Detachment represents union. It goes together with love. With detachment comes freedom. Freedom from the expectations of the person with whom you relate. The relationship based on detachment will involve a great resistance from the person you relate to. Because the action of a detached person is towards incinerating everything that festers in darkness of the mind. The lover does a spiritual revolution in the person’s mind. It makes the person independent and self-reliant, free from all pre-conceived notions they have about themselves. And then the lover is no longer needed. There is no suffering from the separation of the person due to no cunning expectations being involved in the relationship.
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