Category: Blog

Psychological theories suggest that attachment is an innate survival mechanism. Attachment styles depend on our life experiences, culture and are dynamic rather than fixed. We as humans are bound to relate with each other and our relationships are based on attachment.

Is attachment merely a survival mechanism? Can attachment serve as a strong foundation for relationships?

We are anxious beings with an inner hollow, a vacuum which makes us restless. The entire purpose of our life revolves around filling this inner hollow, be it via material things or fellow sentient beings. But how does the object of attachment help us fill our inner void? The object to which we get attached is taken to be a medium to fulfill our desires. These desires are not even our own but are borrowed via conditioning. The desire for fame and money is accompanied by consumption. We think our restlessness will come to an end by consuming, but this never happens.

For example: We order food from a restaurant which generally takes 30 minutes to deliver. In this time frame, our mind makes a lot of movement, in hope that the movement will cease after consuming and will enter in state of joy. This 30-minute period is “assumed happiness”. When we consume, movement of our mind stops. This state diappears after consumption is finished. The state of joy acquired from consumption was temporary and ephemeral.

Such episodes happen in every moment, still we fail to understand the futility of our attachment. The expectations accompanied by attachment causes suffering. Then how to cure attachment? By detachment. But the concept of detachment is often misplaced, the moment we hear about it. We think detachment implies passivity towards forming relationships and takes it as a mere reaction to attachment. Such understanding of detachment makes us vulnerable to getting attached to something again, which cannot even be acknowledged due to happiness associated with the false pride of renunciation. Such understanding of detachment is self-deception.

Then what does detachment really mean?

It is widely accepted that attachment means love. In reality, it is irreconcilable with love. Detachment represents union. It goes together with love. With detachment comes freedom. Freedom from the expectations of the person with whom you relate. The relationship based on detachment will involve a great resistance from the person you relate to. Because the action of a detached person is towards incinerating everything that festers in darkness of the mind. The lover does a spiritual revolution in the person’s mind. It makes the person independent and self-reliant, free from all pre-conceived notions they have about themselves. And then the lover is no longer needed. There is no suffering from the separation of the person due to no cunning expectations being involved in the relationship.

Actions can be classified as gross and subtle. Gross actions are those which are physical in nature and thoughts are subtle actions. But are the actions done by us really ours?

We humans by default live a body centric life. The purpose of living a body centric life is to protect, preserve and proliferate the body. So, it can be said our actions emerge from these 3P’s.

Our actions are then regulated by three institutions, called family, society and laws of the land. And regulation of our actions happens via human’s three foundational dependencies, called attachment, validation and fear, amongst which validation plays a key role when the actor is unknown to his real self.

So, when action is concerned,

Originators : Protect, Preserve and Procreate.

Regulators : Family, Society and Laws.

Dependencies : Validation, Attachment and Fear.

Intensity of the dependencies varies with the type of regulator. Let’s discuss each of these regulators :

1. Family : Family in this context can be defined as individuals connected by shared DNA with innate attachment driven by the originators of our actions. The stronger the attachment, the greater the need of validation for our actions. Likewise, the stronger the attachment, greater the fear of detachment – because detachment brings the fear of losing the validation that reinforces our actions. The intensity of these dependencies varies from person to person, depending on their psycological makeup, shaped by past memories and traumas.
2. Society : Validation from society is not driven by attachment but rather from fear. Fear of being ostracized from society. To seek validation from society, we conform to the actions which are in accordance with societal norms. The greater the fear of being an outcast, the higher is the degree of validation we seek.
3. Laws : Compliance with law is primarily fear driven. The greater the certainty and severity of the punishment, the stronger the governance of action by legal norms. Fear of punishment is not standalone, but is amplified by social and familial validation.

From above, it can be inferred that we always need security for our actions and we fear losing that security, because those actions had never emanated from the source within but are borrowed due to conditioning. Validation moves our “self” worth up few notches. This “self” is not ours but is a conditioned or say programmed self that we borrow from the society and this the only reason that it need validation all the time. Actions which never emanated from within are always subjected to skepticism.

How can this self be an original self?

Observe the intruder (borrowed self) thoroughly, who always seeks validation, still remain queasy. Be constantly aware of the actions, both subtle and gross. This awareness will make us understand the futility of dependencies on which we live. With this understanding, our intellect can freely pan out, without any interference of the intruder. This free intellect very well takes care of the external happening, leaving the internal state of mind resting in its own blissfulness. Let the internal state be only the witness to the external happenings without meddling in its affairs.

Nowadays we hear a lot about liberation, often referred to as nirvana or moksha or salvation. Before talking about liberation, one must ask some questions like, to whom is the liberation? and from what does one have to be liberated?

Let’s discuss it.

We are born out of nature. We are born with some tendencies which are supported by nature. These tendencies include greed, hatred, lust, fear, anger etc. They are prominent in us which gives rise to a fictional quantity called ego. Ego is a sense of incompleteness, an inner hollow which is present in every human being. This hollow has to be filled in order to attain peace and happiness.

Ego can be referred to as the “I” tendency. It acknowledges itself as a doer. But if observed closely, the action by each one of us conforms to a pattern. Everyone does the same thing out of greed, hatred, lust, fear and anger. And actions inspired by these tendencies had almost every time brought suffering to us. What this ego does is, it gets bound to a person or a thing which it thinks can give happiness but always returns empty handed.

We have got a way to fill this hollow with material things. This have not helped us, rather caused the inner hollow to be hollower. The more we feed it, the hungrier it gets. Then why do we repeat this thing again and again? It is due to the presence of these tendencies which are supported by nature and then nurtured by social conditioning.

The only way out is to observe nature and not to participate in its play. Nature has its own purpose. It wants us to engage in its play for the process of survival and procreation. We need to enquire about each and every action we do. We need to be constantly aware of our actions and thought processes. When we are aware that we are aware then this awareness is a fake awareness. Initially, fake awareness is needed as we act from our socially conditioned centre. For us to act from centre of freedom, we need to enforce it over the socially conditioned centre.

The actions arising from freedom are right actions. When we are free, there is a state of equanimity. Being equanimous means to act the same for the situations of opposite nature. By doing this we no longer remain slaves to our body. The body is conquered and so are its tendencies and what remains is absolute freedom and this freedom in itself is called liberation.